Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
