..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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