splinters make it hard to masturbate
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
