Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
two words: eviction party
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
