Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Alive.
So much puke
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So much Jack, so little girl.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
