My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
