***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
