Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
