Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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