Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
