im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
