i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
