I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
