You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
