she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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