All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
