Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
