Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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