my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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