oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
