He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
