I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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