When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
