Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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