at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
