I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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