I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
