cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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