I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
