Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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