you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
