Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
FUCK WHALES
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
