I'm so fucking centered right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
