You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
