Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
