It was confusing and full of hummus
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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