it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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