No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
