My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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