I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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