Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
