if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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