plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
