I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
