K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
