I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dick very happy bro
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
