You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
