Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
