When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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