Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
